Journey Coaching

“Honestly, I’m Just Not Feeling It Anymore”

That’s what I told the marketing team for my book.

I’ve been here before.
It was the spring/summer of 2019.
Fear and lies took the wheel of my existence, steering a narrative about me that was almost laughable-if it hadn’t hurt so badly. It was like someone grabbed a microphone and started narrating my life with bold confidence… except they were reading from a script that had nothing to do with the truth.

Suddenly, I didn’t feel safe around people. I was on the brink of a deep depression.
I couldn’t tell the difference between friends and spectators. The ones who were just waiting to get the latest story, the newest information, updated on the gossip.
Gossip, oh the thing about gossip is-it’s rarely about truth. Gossip is all about who can tell the juiciest version of your story. Who can rewrite your identity with just enough spin to make it stick.

I hate that.
And I refuse to play that game. I refused to give into the temptation to go on the attack!

Looking back now, I am beyond grateful that I didn’t.

In the aftermath of that season-years later, through small, intentional choices like choosing reconciliation over retaliation, respect over rumor-I watched a nearly broken friendship, one that was decades old, transform into something beautiful. Beauty that shows up during the hardest times of my life; as well one of the friendships I leaned into the day after a knock on my door hurt me in more ways than I could imagine. 

I have worked so hard, and always work so hard to repair what is important to me! The people who are so important to me!  

That’s what I care about. That’s what drives me.

I don’t want to walk through this life with a trail of broken relationships behind me.
I want to be the kind of person who reflects, owns my part, and seeks repair-not revenge.

But let’s be honest: that path is hard. Especially in seasons like this.

When someone weaponizes a past they never lived. A past with years after it and decades before it. A past they sought out, but never tried to understand. Engaging in judgment rather than awareness. 
When their narrative says more about them than it does about me.
I understand. I want to show compassion and empathy, it still hurts. All the same.

So here I am-again-sitting quietly.
Waiting.
Waiting for the truth to rise.
Waiting for fear and fiction to give way to clarity and conversation.

Hoping-against hope-that choosing steadiness over spite will matter.
That holding my head high will mean more than defending every misinterpretation.

Because I’ve learned this:
Sometimes the only thing louder than the lie is the life you keep showing up for.

And I’m still showing up.

Pushing past that hollow, hopeless ache that creeps in when you’re unsure if what you’re doing still matters. The one that makes me question every choice to give love, support and encouragement. Because – well not all land the same and then I struggle. It is this time when I feel like I’ve failed to make a difference.

When the care I offer-the genuine love, support, and presence I try to give-is misunderstood, manipulated, or twisted into something it never was.That kind of rejection. It cuts deep.

Supportive friends will say, “It’s their loss.” And they mean well. But when your heart is wired to love and connect, it still feels like your failure.

I have no words of wisdom my friends – rather, decide what is most important to you and hold true to it. No matter the price, no matter the pain. Live the life that you want to leave as a legacy! 

With all of my love! 

Xoxox 

J