I released my Advanced Reader Copy for the book and the very first review was: 🥹

“I need you to know I read this in one sitting. It’s really great joni, holy cow. How you’ve managed to still carry so much love and kindness is truly inspiring. Joni, Bravo 👏🏻”

One of the fears that I had, in releasing my book, was that someone would weaponize my past to diminish my impact. 

Not ironically, it happened to me before I even got a chance to release the book. I guess you could say he ended up being my worst nightmare come true. I am fully aware that the person I thought he was, in fact turned out to be everything everyone else said he was. I was the one who believed the lie. 

What I want to get ahead of, in regards to the purpose of this book; my passion for authentic living, genuine kindness and unconditional love, is that you DO NOT have to be a saint to live like that – but more importantly you DO NOT have to be a saint to receive kindness, love, compassion or even empathy!  

I am fully aware that whatever narrative is told about me, is from someone else’s perspective. 

I was a “mistress”; I was also a friend and a confidante first

I was in a “threesome”; I was also experimenting and a birthday present

I was a “heartless bitch”; I also decided to end a relationship that was holding us both back

I was a “fake friend”; I was also a parent who stood up to injustice of a child

I was, I was, I was…..You can paint me in any way you want. Fair. 

What I know to be true is that I AM NOT A SAINT. I have never denied my faults/shortcomings nor tried to imply some sort of greatness. What is the point? Authentic living means, not hiding parts of myself!

Even today, I am struggling with raging hate! Hate so deep that the thought of speaking his name fills me with so much disgust. 

Authentic living means I work hard to be fully aware of my feelings. That I need to tame my natural defenses to be just as ruthless as I was treated.  

Genuine kindness means that while I can and will have POINTED conversations, I will do everything in my power to not tear a person down! This is important, you can communicate your feelings without diminishing someone else’s worth. To keep in mind that NO ONE is perfect! NO ONE is a saint! 

True compassion means that I will do my very best to put myself in your shoes. While I may not always agree, I will be open for discussion. I will do my very best to recognize what was fueling your decision making and hopefully find common ground.  

And the big one – unconditional love. Here is where I get to hold steady in what is most important to me! 

While my love is unconditional, my trust is not! 

While my love is unconditional, my respect is not! 

While my love is unconditional, my belief in your goodness is not! 

I AM NO SAINT! 

I am open to resolution when it’s a two-way effort.

I will NOT discuss without active listening. 

I will NOT engage without self-reflection. 

I will NOT forgive without change. 

I will NOT reconcile without accountability. 

And I should never be expected to. To do so would diminish my self-worth. I am worth more than being torn down to lift someone else up. 

What I saw as a profound missed opportunity- for understanding, awareness, and relationship building- was the choice to weaponize what wasn’t known, make blind assumptions rather than seek context.

When the reconciliation of a friendship was placed under a distorted microscope, for someone else’s gain, he missed how it eventually evolved into something deeply supportive. I was so grateful to have received this message from the “one in my past” who provided words that offered genuine encouragement for my journey in publishing this book, and a reminder of the respect and goodness that still lives in our relationship today.

“You are so very kind….I appreciate your words and the recognition of the impact we have on each other. Choosing to choose love, and see the good is a powerful, attractive, and desirable trait you have. Well done, and thank you for protecting me as well.”

So no, I am not a saint. I never claimed to be. I am a whole human being- messy, complex, healing, growing. And I will not apologize for that.

This book, these online journals, are never written as a confession or a plea for redemption. They are written as an offering- a solace, to anyone who has felt unworthy of love because of their past, who has questioned their own kindness because of their anger, who has wrestled with their capacity to forgive while still honoring their truth.

I’ve learned that it’s entirely possible to be both wounded and wise, both angry and kind, both wrong and worthy. I’ve learned that being real sometimes costs you people who only want the curated version of you; however, it also attracts the ones who see you fully, and stay.

To live authentically is not to live perfectly. It is to live with eyes open- to our pain, to our patterns, to our power.

I don’t need to be a saint.
I just need to keep showing up- with honesty, with boundaries, and yes, with unconditional love.

And if that’s all I’m ever known for- then I’m okay with that.

With love, 

Xoxoxo J