Whenever I tell my story – about the hard choices, the shitty situations, and how the affirmations of the person I want to be – means embracing the continual work of becoming the person I want to be….through the shitty situations. And people often get confused. They tend to fold love into every other need we have in a relationship, like trust, respect, or loyalty. But those things are not the same.

Just because I love you doesn’t mean I trust you.
Just because I love you doesn’t mean I respect you.

That distinction was one of the hardest lessons I’ve had to learn.

Love is generous for me. It’s available without condition. No one needs to earn my love. They can accept it or not, but it’s there if they want it. Love is my gift – not a currency to be traded for whatever suits me.

But other things are different. My trust, my respect, my loyalty – those are not automatic. They are earned.

Trust must be earned through safety, empathy, consistent effort, vulnerability, and clear communication.
Respect is earned through appreciation, accountability, and a willingness to grow together rather than tear each other down.
Loyalty is earned through consistency and reliability as trust and respect deepen.

These are active things. They require work, demonstration, and time.

For me, I can say, without flinching, that even after everything that’s happened, I still love that man. I feel it in my soul. I feel it in the quiet hours – 2:30 a.m., when the noise stops and I hold my shattered heart. That love is real. I will carry it until my dying breath.

But that does not mean I am in love with him.
I don’t trust him. I don’t respect him. There is no loyalty left.

Don’t misunderstand me: I once had all of it. I trusted him implicitly, I respected him in ways I couldn’t fully explain, and my loyalty was fierce. I saw a beautiful soul I wanted to protect while he worked through his journey.

100+ pages later and his lies erased the trust. The way he weaponized my past destroyed the respect I had for him. The damage to my heart decimated my loyalty. 

Now, I don’t even say his name.

And still – I love him. Unconditionally. That is the promise I give. But trust, respect, and loyalty? Those are now on his ledger to earn back.

If he did earn them, I have no doubt I could fall in love with him. But that would take work- real work – and the courage to rebuild the foundations that were burned.

You have to know the difference!

If you can’t distinguish between the two kinds of love, you may find yourself trying to fix what’s broken in the wrong way.

Loving someone is often about giving love more than needing something in return. It’s what remains when the butterflies fade. It shows up as quiet support, feeling safe in their presence, and wanting their happiness, even when it isn’t tied to yours.

Being in love is different. It’s romantic desire, emotional intensity, and the pull toward building a shared life. It’s longing and chemistry; being lit up by someone’s smile, voice, presence. 

These states can coexist, or they can be separate. You can love someone and not be in love with them any longer. You can be in love and not have it become the kind of stable love that survives storms. The best relationships have both: the foundation of steady love and the spark of romantic connection.

Just keep this in mind!

Being in love is the fire.
Loving someone is the foundation.

The fire can flicker, gutter, and flare back to life. But the foundation – that steady, patient love – is what keeps everything standing.

with all my love, xoxo j