When my best friend drove in for my book signing, I felt wrapped in the comfort of someone who knows my story inside and out. He always takes care of me and the kids – it’s his quiet way of reminding me that I’m not alone in this.
The night before he left, he asked, “What can I do for you?”
Without much thought, I handed him a 100+ page document and said, “Please find out when this all ends for me.”
He looked at me with pain in his eyes – not because he was overwhelmed by the task, but because I told him not to read it. The humiliation I carry… it’s too much. I couldn’t bear to see pity reflected in the eyes of someone who loves me.
Still, he tried to get me the answers I wanted. He really did. And when he hit a wall, he quietly passed it off to my work wife – the other anchor in my life.
She got the information I needed.
“Hey, are you home?”
“Nope, I’m at the grocery store.”
“Okay, well, call me when you get back?”
Ominous pause. “No… just tell me.”
“You’re not going to like it.”
She wasn’t wrong.
It wasn’t about seeing or speaking to the person who dragged me through hell. I have no desire for that. I just needed clarity. Direction. A way forward. Find out if I needed to pivot.
And now I know.
As I sat in a conversation with my marketing team, I felt the stirrings of something I had worked so hard to let go: anger. Not just frustration – full-body, scream-into-a-pillow rage. But I don’t want to live there. I don’t want to build a home in bitterness.
I keep trying to lead with love and kindness – to not forget who I am or who I am trying to become.
I want to pause before I react.
I want to choose empathy before judgment.
I want to build, not destroy.
But, damn… this situation just cuts deep.
The war inside me is loud.
My brain keeps replaying the scenes like an unskippable movie:
- The lies.
- The calculated manipulation.
- The weaponization of my past.
- The way I was tossed aside.
The 100+ pages tell that story in brutal detail.
But then there’s my heart.
Fragile, fractured, and somehow still… beating.
Still believing.
Still loving.
This damn heart won’t stop showing me the other reel – the one full of beauty, hope, and glimpses of a good soul I once saw in someone I tried to love and protect.
My heart doesn’t care how much pain I’ve been through.
It doesn’t want to hate.
It wants to heal.
It wants to love!
My brain? It’s pragmatic. Realistic. Protective.
My heart? It’s romantic. Idealistic. Open.
They are at war.
And the irony? The person who started this war – with intention to kill me – may be the only one who could bring peace to it.
But I’m not waiting 544 days for that.
If my story, my scars, my soul reminds me of one thing, its:
I am strong enough to fight the war inside me.
And I am worthy enough to win it.
with all my love, xoxo J
Stay connected for more journal-style reflections, behind-the-scenes from my book release, and my journey of healing.
If Burned, Blocked, and Better Than Ever resonates with you – you’re not alone. Let’s walk this healing path together.
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