“You’re doing the right thing.”
That’s what I was told.
And it was exactly what I wanted to believe.
I am broken.
Shattered.
Tenderly glued together.
But at that moment – I wished that I hadn’t hit “unsubscribe.” I wished more than anything that I could hit the undo button.
I kept thinking “this isn’t me” – I would have let him stay if he wanted to.
In pastoral school, one quote was constantly repeated, almost engraved into us:
“Whoever spends the most time wins.”
That quote shaped how I thought my life as a pastor would look – spent “convincing” people of what they wanted to hear so they could be “saved.”
I don’t disagree with the premise entirely, but what I hated – what I still hate – is this truth:
If you can be talked into something,
you can just as easily be talked out of it.
And that always made me wonder… what does that say about who you are as a person?
What does that say about who I was?
For me, the turning point was realizing that it wasn’t about who I wanted to be – but who everyone else told me I should be.
I spent so much time trying to live up to someone else’s version of me. And finally, I put my foot down and said enough.
Because again, if someone could talk me into something… then all it took was someone sly enough to talk me out of it. And that isn’t a foundation I want to build my life on.
I wanted to believe in my own intuition. Lean into my own truth.
I wanted to spend real time with people – to build the skill of listening, truly listening – to what they were saying, not just what I wanted to hear.
Because if the story inside of me was screaming to be heard, then I believe the people I met were longing to be heard too.
I know now that the only way I can ever make a real difference in this world is to stop the relentless pursuit of people just to get their commitment to my sell sheet…
and instead – just show up.
Show up in love.
Show up in kindness.
Show up when it hurts in ways I can’t explain, but somehow know will be worth it.
Because showing up in unconditional love just speaks to me.
That’s all there is to it.
Do you ever just have conversations in your head?
Redo old ones. Imagine future ones.
I do it all the time.
Even in my anger. Even in my hurt. I imagine us sitting down three or four years from now and finally hashing it out.
And I know – I know – I’ll show up with more grace than I probably should. More kindness than he deserves. And more love in my heart… because that’s who I want to be.
A part of me hopes he’ll find his way here – to these online journals – and through my unashamed transparency and authentic voice, he’ll see me differently than the version he talked himself into.
That’s the thing for me – I want my life to be as genuine as possible.
I want to work through the highs and lows we all face without putting on a mask. I don’t want to “win.” I don’t want to spend my life convincing people to stay, or to spend time with me.
I want to make my life – and my love – be what draws people in.
To make them feel safe.
For me, that’s a life well lived.
Because at the end of the day,
it’s not about convincing –
it’s about showing up.
Soft.
Steady.
Unshaken.
Even when no one’s watching.
Even when it hurts.
with all my love, xoxo J
Journey Coaching 
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