10,000 words, 30 pages, and 4 sleepless nights later
I hit send on the document I hope will change my current situation.
“What are the chances that he won’t contest?” I asked, a flicker of hope in my eye.
My attorney just looked at me with sympathy and said, “He will contest.”
And my heart dropped.
I’ve never been one for advocating for myself – honestly, I don’t think I’ve ever won a fight. When I was a little girl, I was sitting at the YMCA and a girl walked up and slapped me in the face. I just sat there and took it.
I have learned how to take a hit, big or small, physical or emotional; the hits keep coming, and I know how to take’em. So advocating for myself is not anything I do well.
For one, I’m not good at fighting. Maybe it’s because I have no poker face. Or maybe I just can’t stomach all the disgusting tactics that go into “winning.”
So if it’s a fight you’re looking for, you won’t get it from me.
What I do hope you’ll want – and what you will always get from me – is conversation.
A chance for emotions to die down and reason to show up.
If there’s one thing I know about human nature, it’s that when pushback comes while emotions are still hot, people tend to double down. Only time opens lines of communication.
So I stop pushing back. I don’t want to react. I don’t want to make things worse. I want to be someone who heals, repairs, and restores.
Explaining that to a judge – well, that will be my biggest hurdle.
It was painful at first. Reading 1 of 53, 2 of 53, 3 of 53 – and so on. Having to stick to facts: dates, times, details. I didn’t get through much that first night.
Day two was more of the same. If adulthood has taught me anything, it’s that the world rewards those who can keep emotion out of the equation and stick to cold, hard facts. Which is why, perhaps, I never “win.”
I’m all emotion. I feel deeply – always have. When I have to shut that down, I feel untrue to myself.
By day three, something shifted. Above all emotions, I realized I was starting to feel bad for him.
I was surprised by how easy it was to refute the claims – like I’d been given a test and was knocking it out of the park. What should have felt like a proud moment only broke my heart for him.
It’s as though I was seeing him the way I did years ago: a man in so much pain – and I was the easy target to ease that pain.
A topic we rarely talk about is the abuse men go through. I’ve met more men than I care to count – men who are abused, broken, and isolated.
This man was no different.
As I relived our history, defending myself, I was brought back to the first time I ever laid it all out for him:
“Since I can’t be your coach, and apparently now – your friend – I’m just going to lay it all out on the table. Not because I’m trying to be mean, but because I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I can’t be silent anymore.
Her behavior is absolutely wrong and borders on, if not is, entirely abusive.
Hear that – abusive. You are in an abusive relationship. It’s not the first time a strong, successful man has been abused behind closed doors – I’ve read the case studies and seen the damage – but this is just too much for me not to stand up and say something.
Abuse Tactics 101:
Alienation – started with your family, two coaches, friends, and people who love you.
Gaslighting – “it’s your fault she’s the way she is.” It’s like someone punching you in the face and saying you made them do it.
Manipulation – if you act/say/behave how she needs you to, she’ll treat you better, show up for you, love you. Ugh.
Financial abuse – spending your money with no discipline, discussion, or discernment.
Emotional abuse – degrading statements, narcissistic behaviors, tearing you down.
Monitoring – tracking you, constantly asking where you are, who you’re with, how long you’ll be gone, telling you where you can and cannot go, who you can or cannot speak to.
These are all abusive behaviors. It’s not okay.
You deserve so much better – better than how she manipulates you, how she uses you, how she gaslights you, how she talks to you.
What I can’t understand is how a brilliant man like you can’t see that maybe the fight to be treated better at work stems from being treated so poorly at home.
How can someone who fights to be valued in his job – and leaves when he’s not – stay in an environment that’s unhealthy, unloving, manipulative, and abusive?
Look at the parallels – work tells you to wait a year so they can show you appreciation, and you’re gone.
Home tells you she needs a year before she’ll kiss you – and you stay, hoping for the next ‘magic’ fix.
You deserve to be loved. Supported. Adored.
You should feel safe in your relationship, not fearful of it.
You should have someone who fights for you, not with you.
What she’s doing to you is wrong. It’s not okay.
I don’t need you to love me – hell, I don’t even care if you like me right now – I just want you to love yourself. And if not, then I’ll love you enough for both of us.
I genuinely care about you. Call it kindred spirit, bleeding heart, passion – I just want the very best for you.
Maybe you’re not used to people caring without wanting something in return. You’re used to being used, not authentically loved.
I get that no one’s perfect – you’ve done your share of shitty things – but you don’t deserve to be held prisoner in your own relationship.
Why hold onto something that’s draining the life out of you? Do you know how much better you’d be in the business world if your intimate relationship was healthy?
I don’t want you to be ‘single.’ I want you to be loved entirely, without agenda, authentically.
You said you don’t chase – maybe you should. Maybe you should find someone who encourages you, creates a safe space, challenges you – and then chase the hell out of her. Build a future with that woman.
Sitting back and waiting for someone to show up leaves you open to being used, manipulated, and imprisoned.
God, I can’t say this enough: You deserve better!
My heart breaks for you.
I saw the signs when you told me about her separating you from your family. I’ve kept it in, but clearly I’m not the only one who sees it.
She wants you isolated? Fine. I’ll step back. I’ll leave you alone if that’s what it takes for you to free yourself from this abusive situation.”
That assessment was just three months after knowing him.
She displayed every classic sign of an abuser. Add addiction or infidelity, and she’d be a textbook case. But those textbooks rarely address women as abusers – and that’s where our conversations about relationships fail.
As I wrote my book – telling the stories of three men in abusive relationships – I realized how little awareness exists. Two escaped. One didn’t. He’s still in prison.
We just don’t do enough to shed light on the trauma men experience.
I’m passionate about all relationships. We all deserve love, respect, and support – especially in our most intimate spaces.
When I realized my own husband was abusive, my biggest fear wasn’t just for myself – it was for my children. I didn’t want them growing up thinking that this was love, that this was okay.
Three years later, I can’t imagine how much worse it’s gotten for him. Actually, I can – you can see it in his face. Someone who went to school with him said, “I was one year behind him, and he looks ten years older.” There’s no light left in his eyes.
He’s been in prison for almost two decades.
As I prepare to advocate for myself, tears sting my eyes as I set the facts aside and read through everything with my heart.
My goal now is freedom – from a prison I never saw coming – and understanding, so I can forgive.
I’m piecing together this puzzle, trying to get battle ready. Prepared to lose, hopeful to win.
Still, I know something’s missing. I can feel it – there is some context out there, that will make all of this make sense.
Maybe I’ll learn it in fight.
Or maybe, just maybe, we’ll finally sit down and talk things through.
Either way, I know how I am getting battle ready – through as much love and kindness as I can bring!
With all my love, xoxo J
Journey Work 
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