Music makes me feel alive.

Songs connect to me in such a way that sometimes I feel like they’ve been taken straight from my heart. This song was no different.

I was 13 when the movie Benny and Joon came out. In a season filled with rom-coms, this one stood out because the main characters were so wonderfully unique.

The song “Have a Little Faith in Me” plays during their most intimate moment, and every time I hear those first few lines, I’m transported back to a life where I couldn’t wait to love someone.

When the road gets dark
And you can no longer see
Just let my love throw a spark
And have a little faith in me

Maybe it reminded me of that “little light of mine.” Maybe it was my lifelong pursuit of unconditional love. Either way, those words created a vivid picture that’s stayed with me.

In my younger years, I imagined being able to say those words to someone.
As I grew older, I thought about how special it would be to have someone say them to me.
And now- after all my experiences….I know what’s most meaningful is when those words become a promise held equally by two people.

I hate that when I hear this song, I immediately think of him. And honestly, it’s torture: I hear it every day at work because it’s part of the restaurant playlist.

I’m not an idiot. When I said my love was unconditional, I meant it. It still is, and it will be until the day I take my last breath. It’s there. It’s undeniable. As much as I’ve tried to throw it away, I know denying my love would make me a hypocrite and a liar. Something I refuse to be.

So I sit with my love and do everything I can to pack it up, tuck it away.
And yet, the words of this song open me up. Every. Damn. Time.

When the road gets dark
And you can no longer see
Just let my love throw a spark
And have a little faith in me

This darkness that threatens to take me over does not dim the love in my heart. I’m just grateful I get to hold it close rather than hand it back to someone who threw it in my face.

If you had asked me six months ago if I thought he was the man who would make that investment, I would have said yes—100%. Not because there was anything more between us than a one-sided friendship, but because I trusted the soul he said he wanted people to see. The one I believed I saw.

That trust was misguided. It won’t be repeated.

So I am back to this place—willing, no, wanting to be the love I wish I could receive.

How many times do I say goodbye?

I suppose unconditional love means you don’t really say goodbye.

I can’t be angry that my love isn’t enough.

I just wish that it was.

I love you with all of my heart. Unconditionally.

And now, silently.

_______________

This is what it looks like to hurt and heal authentically.

with all my love, xoxoxo J